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I've failed at everything, even at failing.
And by failing I mean failing in life and killing myself.
I realised today that I've had a good shot at life, but I've still ended up failing. I mean, I can't even sit on a chair without getting it wrong.
And to cap it all I'm black. Could my life be any worse?
I thought Google may offer up some assistance, I mean, it's been good to me in the past, but the first result I got from "I Want To Kill Myself" was this page. I tried all the suggestions on there, but to no avail... I even got a frisbee. Thing is my mouth is so deformed it didn't work. I must be the most unlucky person on earth; I've failed at failing.
I even tried coming up with my own ways to kill myself.
First I tried jumping from my window, but all I did was get my feet wet from the grass. If only I didn't live in a bungalow.
Then I tried electrocuting myself. I must be some sort of black electricity conductor or something because it didn't do anything, it didn't even make my afro stand on end. Maybe I did something wrong, I climbed up the electricity pylon and ninja'd myself along the wire.. nothing.
Then I got more inventive. I tried freezing myself in the freezer, but I just ate all the food, got fat, started sweating and the freezer defrosted itself. It didn't even have enough ice in to drown me.
So I tried jumping off a cliff...I think I'll try jumping off a Richard next time.
I tried the classic, shooting myself, but that went wrong too, these sexy ladies appeared out of no where and started dancing around me talking about some golden gun. I didn't want to disappoint them by telling them that it was only flesh and blood, so I played along.
And yet, I'm still here, still alive, and still failing at everything. If you have any more ways I can try and kill myself, for hell's sake let me know. I hear hell is in need of more slaves, something about a slavery strike. I don't see why they just don't barbeque the Arabs.
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